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awesomechick15I'M SORRY OKAY.
It's been, what, over a month since the last update on Shortcakes And Other Poisons. Almost two months, actually. I'M SOWWEH. Writer's block has been haunting me a little (this one-shot is actually an attempt to heal, lol) and I'm also lagging with some scenes in the first chapter. So just bear with me, please. :< ♥
* * *
title: Of Butterflies
author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
awesomechick15
pairing: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya
rating: G
genre: angst, mindgames
disclaimer: I don't own Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa or any other JE-dude you see jumping around in this fic.
warnings: -
summary: Kame was the only one who understood, who would realize to ask.
There once was a time I was sure of the bond
When my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough
We are the same but our lives move along
For Jin, it wasn't usual to wake up in the middle of the night. Like his friends said, he slept like the dead. Partly it was because he just had a talent for sleeping, but nowadays it was also partly because of his continuing exhaustion. Sometimes stress kept him up, but usually he was already asleep before his head had even hit the pillow.
That was why he felt confused when he suddenly realized the dream he was seeing (Yamapi and Koki had decided to found a rap duo which sang songs about vampires, glitter and cupcakes) wasn't there anymore. Instead he was staring at the simple, white surface of Kame's ceiling. All hints of sleep were gone, and for a moment Jin was just blinking, trying to get his mind together. He didn't feel tired at all, almost like someone had inserted a secret caffeine needle inside his veins.
Kame's room was dark. Furniture wasn't easy to discern, only light was coming through window blinds. Jin could hear sounds of traffic outside, and when he glanced at the red numbers of Kame's alarm clock, his fears were proven true. It was still way too early to get out of bed, since they should wake up at six and clock was ten past three. Jin sighed miserably and pressed his head against his pillow.
After just breathing and catching his thoughts for a minute he turned to look at Kame. The man was sleeping next to him, body felinely stretched on the sheets, hair framing his dreaming face. Jin couldn't help but to stare. He circled Kame's delicate features, his cheekbones, crooked nose, kissable lips. Maybe it was the slight light in the dark room that made his features glow, but to Jin, Kame looked ghostly beautiful. Had always looked.
It was weird, now that you thought of it. Years ago, when everything had been okay and simple, no burdens on their backs and no shatters in their lives, Kame had been a clumsy, awkward young boy. He had followed Jin's lead with stars in his eyes, nervous air around him. His emotions had been a rollercoaster, just like Jin's. Only their emotions were slightly different. Jin experienced everything, nothing could wipe the smile from face – until now. But Kame, for him, they were a deep ocean. And deeper he went, more miserable he became. Jin had to admit, there had been times when Kame was a mess of a human.
Maybe that was also why Jin felt nowadays so lonely. Because unlike him, Kame had been like an ugly duckling. Or a butterfly. He had started out as that young boy, too innocent to understand the real shade of the world. He couldn't control himself, only push through everything. But Kame had grown, both physically and mentally. He was an adult now, someone who could take care of feelings and make decisions.
And he was beautiful. When Jin looked at him, he couldn't believe younger Kame and the Kame now were even the same person.
That was exactly what made him feel lonely. Because during the years, Kame had moved on. He had grown. But Jin felt still just the same as he had ten years ago. He didn't feel like he had grown at all. Now it wasn't Kame who followed him like a lost puppy; sometimes Jin actually felt like the situation had gone vice versa. Jin still didn't know who he was and what the hell he was doing here, but Kame, he had it all figured out. So did everyone else.
Jin was the only one still wandering. He wasn't a butterfly or a duckling. He was just Jin. And the Jin now was scared. Scared out of his mind.
”What are you looking at?”
Kame's sudden, raspy voice made Jin flinch. He looked at the other man, blinking confusedly.
”Did I wake you up?” he asked, partly worried, partly glad. Thoughts were taking him again, pulling him under the surface.
”Not really,” Kame yawned and smiled a little. ”Though you staring at me like a hellhound didn't actually help.”
”I'm sorry,” Jin mumbled and pressed closer to the man next to him, burying his face in his hair and breathing Kame's scent in. ”I couldn't sleep.”
”It's okay,” the latter sneered and stretched his back. ”Is something bothering you?”
And for a second Jin stopped, thoughts spinning in his mind. He really wanted to talk, about everything. About how sorry he was for not being there, and how much LA in fact scared him. Yeah, scared. For a long time Jin had been smiling at his friends and loved ones, nodding when they asked him of the city of angels. Yes, he was going. Yes, he was happy. Yes, he was excited. But more than that, he was scared.
Because even if anyone said otherwise, he was sure people would forget him. Not the fans, Jin didn't care about them as much as his friends. And he was fully convinced his friends would be the ones forgetting him, moving on as he went. He was already sorry for causing so much trouble and so much disappointment to his bandmates. But he didn't know if he could bear the thought of leaving everyone again, leaving Kame again.
This time Kame had been terrifyingly adult after hearing the news. He wasn't the same wreck as in 2006. Jin knew it was stupid and selfish, but for some reason it only made him more scared. It was almost like Kame didn't care, almost like he wasn't even sad. What if he wasn't? What if he and everyone else was relieved Jin was going?
Oh God, how much he wanted to say something. How much he wanted to just say no. A part of his head ached to see LA again, to see all the opportunities, but a part of it wanted to stay. It was killing him inside, and Jin didn't know which would be worse – a trigger on his temple or the day he had to get on his plane.
”No,” he whispered. And he knew how vulnerable his voice was, how shaky and scared it was. Normally he would have hidden it, but now he didn't have the strength. He also kind of wanted to Kame to notice, wanted him to say something, ask something. Anything. He also knew that Kame could recognize the deepest sides in him. Kame was the only one who understood, who would realize to ask-
”Good,” he said.
Jin tried to swallow the lump in his throat as Kame drifted back to sleep.
A/N: I wanted to dissolve my WB a little, and this one-shot was born. Sometimes Jin angsting is nice. Lyrics are from Vienna Teng's song Between - usually I don't really like songfics, but in this case the lyrics kinda fit in the fic.
It's been, what, over a month since the last update on Shortcakes And Other Poisons. Almost two months, actually. I'M SOWWEH. Writer's block has been haunting me a little (this one-shot is actually an attempt to heal, lol) and I'm also lagging with some scenes in the first chapter. So just bear with me, please. :< ♥
* * *
title: Of Butterflies
author:
awesomechick15 pairing: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya
rating: G
genre: angst, mindgames
disclaimer: I don't own Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa or any other JE-dude you see jumping around in this fic.
warnings: -
summary: Kame was the only one who understood, who would realize to ask.
When my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough
We are the same but our lives move along
For Jin, it wasn't usual to wake up in the middle of the night. Like his friends said, he slept like the dead. Partly it was because he just had a talent for sleeping, but nowadays it was also partly because of his continuing exhaustion. Sometimes stress kept him up, but usually he was already asleep before his head had even hit the pillow.
That was why he felt confused when he suddenly realized the dream he was seeing (Yamapi and Koki had decided to found a rap duo which sang songs about vampires, glitter and cupcakes) wasn't there anymore. Instead he was staring at the simple, white surface of Kame's ceiling. All hints of sleep were gone, and for a moment Jin was just blinking, trying to get his mind together. He didn't feel tired at all, almost like someone had inserted a secret caffeine needle inside his veins.
Kame's room was dark. Furniture wasn't easy to discern, only light was coming through window blinds. Jin could hear sounds of traffic outside, and when he glanced at the red numbers of Kame's alarm clock, his fears were proven true. It was still way too early to get out of bed, since they should wake up at six and clock was ten past three. Jin sighed miserably and pressed his head against his pillow.
After just breathing and catching his thoughts for a minute he turned to look at Kame. The man was sleeping next to him, body felinely stretched on the sheets, hair framing his dreaming face. Jin couldn't help but to stare. He circled Kame's delicate features, his cheekbones, crooked nose, kissable lips. Maybe it was the slight light in the dark room that made his features glow, but to Jin, Kame looked ghostly beautiful. Had always looked.
It was weird, now that you thought of it. Years ago, when everything had been okay and simple, no burdens on their backs and no shatters in their lives, Kame had been a clumsy, awkward young boy. He had followed Jin's lead with stars in his eyes, nervous air around him. His emotions had been a rollercoaster, just like Jin's. Only their emotions were slightly different. Jin experienced everything, nothing could wipe the smile from face – until now. But Kame, for him, they were a deep ocean. And deeper he went, more miserable he became. Jin had to admit, there had been times when Kame was a mess of a human.
Maybe that was also why Jin felt nowadays so lonely. Because unlike him, Kame had been like an ugly duckling. Or a butterfly. He had started out as that young boy, too innocent to understand the real shade of the world. He couldn't control himself, only push through everything. But Kame had grown, both physically and mentally. He was an adult now, someone who could take care of feelings and make decisions.
And he was beautiful. When Jin looked at him, he couldn't believe younger Kame and the Kame now were even the same person.
That was exactly what made him feel lonely. Because during the years, Kame had moved on. He had grown. But Jin felt still just the same as he had ten years ago. He didn't feel like he had grown at all. Now it wasn't Kame who followed him like a lost puppy; sometimes Jin actually felt like the situation had gone vice versa. Jin still didn't know who he was and what the hell he was doing here, but Kame, he had it all figured out. So did everyone else.
Jin was the only one still wandering. He wasn't a butterfly or a duckling. He was just Jin. And the Jin now was scared. Scared out of his mind.
”What are you looking at?”
Kame's sudden, raspy voice made Jin flinch. He looked at the other man, blinking confusedly.
”Did I wake you up?” he asked, partly worried, partly glad. Thoughts were taking him again, pulling him under the surface.
”Not really,” Kame yawned and smiled a little. ”Though you staring at me like a hellhound didn't actually help.”
”I'm sorry,” Jin mumbled and pressed closer to the man next to him, burying his face in his hair and breathing Kame's scent in. ”I couldn't sleep.”
”It's okay,” the latter sneered and stretched his back. ”Is something bothering you?”
And for a second Jin stopped, thoughts spinning in his mind. He really wanted to talk, about everything. About how sorry he was for not being there, and how much LA in fact scared him. Yeah, scared. For a long time Jin had been smiling at his friends and loved ones, nodding when they asked him of the city of angels. Yes, he was going. Yes, he was happy. Yes, he was excited. But more than that, he was scared.
Because even if anyone said otherwise, he was sure people would forget him. Not the fans, Jin didn't care about them as much as his friends. And he was fully convinced his friends would be the ones forgetting him, moving on as he went. He was already sorry for causing so much trouble and so much disappointment to his bandmates. But he didn't know if he could bear the thought of leaving everyone again, leaving Kame again.
This time Kame had been terrifyingly adult after hearing the news. He wasn't the same wreck as in 2006. Jin knew it was stupid and selfish, but for some reason it only made him more scared. It was almost like Kame didn't care, almost like he wasn't even sad. What if he wasn't? What if he and everyone else was relieved Jin was going?
Oh God, how much he wanted to say something. How much he wanted to just say no. A part of his head ached to see LA again, to see all the opportunities, but a part of it wanted to stay. It was killing him inside, and Jin didn't know which would be worse – a trigger on his temple or the day he had to get on his plane.
”No,” he whispered. And he knew how vulnerable his voice was, how shaky and scared it was. Normally he would have hidden it, but now he didn't have the strength. He also kind of wanted to Kame to notice, wanted him to say something, ask something. Anything. He also knew that Kame could recognize the deepest sides in him. Kame was the only one who understood, who would realize to ask-
”Good,” he said.
Jin tried to swallow the lump in his throat as Kame drifted back to sleep.
A/N: I wanted to dissolve my WB a little, and this one-shot was born. Sometimes Jin angsting is nice. Lyrics are from Vienna Teng's song Between - usually I don't really like songfics, but in this case the lyrics kinda fit in the fic.
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Of Butterflies (one-shot) + sorry for the delay!
Date: 2010-06-18 07:20 pm (UTC)Re: Of Butterflies (one-shot) + sorry for the delay!
Date: 2010-06-19 06:19 pm (UTC)thank youuuu ♥
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 09:57 pm (UTC)that feeling is horrible. sounds wrong but i'm glad if it could be seen in the fic.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 02:52 pm (UTC)thank you for reading & commenting, darling ♥
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:17 am (UTC)Not because Kame was mean or anything. I mean, he was sleepy and all. But it as so heartbreaking for Jin to be that sure Kame would understand and then he{s just like 'OK :)'. God, I hate it when that happens! It's just.. so dissapointing.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 02:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 03:33 am (UTC)i love this.. nicely written ^_^
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 02:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:11 pm (UTC)like this story very much~~~
thank u^^
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 03:25 pm (UTC)thank you for reading and commenting, hun ♥
no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-26 02:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 05:27 pm (UTC)it's short but deep enough to feel the pain inside Jin
I like it :)
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 03:48 pm (UTC)thanks again for sharing!